So I was thinking about this as I was eating my macaroni and cheese and flipping through channels on the TV. I came across one of those shows where everything is:
"Who's the daddy!?"
"I'm 17 and have had 3 babies!"
"My husband came after me with a knife!"
...You know what I'm talking about.
I thought about abusive relationships. You hear it ALL the time: "That woman is so stupid! Why would she put herself and her kids in danger by staying with her husband that abuses her!?"
Well guess h-what. She LOVES him.
[ You can't just fall out of love. ]
(I'm not just talking about romantical love, either)
I was thinking about this because I realized there has been close people in my life that I thought treated me horribly. I tried to hate them. (Okay, maybe not "hate", but you get the idea) But I couldn't, because I loved them. As much as I wanted to push them out of my life because of what they were doing to me, I stayed. I couldn't push myself far enough away from them.
This is obviously a less-serious example, because I've never been physically abused by someone. But it was just kind of a "whoa" thought. Not sure if any of you have ever thought about that.
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8 comments:
Good points!! I've always been fascinated by abusive relationships as well.
I do think in some cases the woman stays in abusive relationships because she still loves her man, but I think just as often (if not more often) she stays out of fear of the unknown and the lack of security she will have with him gone.
Also, abusive relationships aren't always woman=victim, man=abuser. It is generally the case that men are most frequently PHYSICAL abusers, but women are often the source of verbal abuse, or extreme moodiness that takes just a significant a tole on a relationship as any other form of abuse.
Both men and women have their strengths and weaknesses ;)
Hmm interesting..yeah definitely good points. Its weird that you bring this up because I was just thinking about this yesterday to; I'm not sure what you saw on TV but the news report last night about the guy who came after his wife with a knife was the neighbor of a guy who goes to my church. He was on the news last night telling the story...scary and daunting to me.
So yeah, your post reminded me of that.
But yeah definitely good thoughts. And I would agree with Jonah that abuse goes both ways..
"I've always been fascinated by abusive relationships as well."
Quote. :P
After writing a while, I realized this is turning out to be super long. Please read it, though. There's some good stuff mixed around in here. ;)
In all seriousness, I think it's both reasons. The definition of love we're referring to is certainly emotional. The sad fact of the matter is that that a lot of women stay in that relationship because of the attention. The guy is abusive, but he actually gives her attention, be it good or bad. Since relationships are a huge part of how a lot of ladies view their self-worth, the fear of leaving their abusive partner is based on what they'll do without him.
Almost like Jonah said about fearing the unknown, I'd add that there's a fear that they'll be unwanted by anyone else. I've talked to ladies in bad relationship situations, and a lot of times the thing holding them back is "Yeah, he's not the greatest ever, but he's the only one that's ever given me any attention. He doesn't make me feel invisible like everyone else."
It breaks my heart to hear that. Jesus is the one in whom you can have peace and rest from your fears. He's going to be there when no one else is, and He's always going to love you. There's always a weight on my chest knowing so many people are oblivious to that.
Also, since it popped into my mind, I want to share my view on the distinction of love.
Love is one of those words that has so many meanings wrapped into one simple word.
Brooke, you mentioned romantic love. That, in the context you used it, is emotion. I would disagree, using that definition, that you can't 'fall out of love'. You definitely can, and that's the reason divorce is so common. If the relationship is based on emotion and passion, it's going to have a shaky foundation. You can use Jesus' parable of the houses and their foundations. If there's not a foundation made of something more solid than the flightiness of emotions, it's going to blow over at the first wind of problems.
-> My definition of real love is commitment. I'll expound.
In a Christian's marriage, commitment is the whole point. There may be days you're not getting along well, but that doesn't end love. Real love. In a marriage, you are representing the union of Christ and His church. That union will never end. How does it mirror that awesome picture of Christ when we give up at the first signs of turmoil?
This also applies to non-christians, since that's the topic we're on. While that has nothing to do with the union of Christ and His believers, commitment is still important.
"I am committed to putting this person's happiness over my own."
Do-able. And a lot of relationships have it.
My point in that is just to support my definition. If both individuals have commitment, problems like this rarely arise.
-> Abusive relationships are the ones where only one person in the relationship has most of the commitment. Think about it: The man based it on his emotions for her. He thought she was hot. After he starts to get tired of her, the problems arise. He's no longer feeling satisfied, and his 'love' dies. But, the woman has become attached in a committed way. She's not ready to let him go, and he's tired of sleeping with her. What happens after that? If the guy's got anger issues, generally abuse. And the rest is on the news.
People need to be reminded to stop and think before rushing into a relationship. That in itself would really help these problems.
More importantly, they need Christ. With him, you don't need to go into a relationship with just a hope that things work out. People need to hear that.
Be-Tee-Ux2. I think I win for longest comment. ;)
This will sound bad, but it's true.
A lot of the women don't leave the guy because of the financial security he provides. Most of the girls are high school dropouts without GEDs and would be unable to provide for themselves. Not that the guys are any more educated, but most low-end jobs involve labor which is far more preferential to men.
Wow good comments everyone!
Everyone covered a different aspect of love vs. commitment.
One thing I kept thinking of is: What if the woman is too afraid to leave the guy because he is abusive and controlling and she is afraid that he won't leave her alone. They're been together for a long time or even married, and he knows where to find her, has access to her bank accounts, kids, everything.
This happened to someone I know. She got a divorce even though he didn't want one, but he kept trying to get her back even after they had been divorced. He stalked her, harassed her, and controlled everything he could-including their children. She moved to another state and he was still stalking her. Now, 30 years later, it is still an issue and threat in her life and the lives of her children.
So sometimes it can lengthen the amount of time one person in a relationship will stay because of their fear of what will happen if they leave.
Time for an update B-Mye!
Wow, I didn't realize people would actually give feedback on this :P
I don't have time to pick out a bunch of your guys' points and elaborate on them...
but I just wanted to say that this post was referring to the women who say they can't leave their husband/boyfriend because she loves him. (that was what was happening on the show :P)
I TOTALLY agree there are a million different reasons people stay with their abusive partner... I was just going off the one I didn't understand ;)
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